1in6 Thursday: Behold the Turtle
May 16th
Researcher Brené Brown became an overnight celebrity after she gave a TED Talk about vulnerability and shame that has been viewed over nine million times.
Everything she says about vulnerability and shame can be directly applied to survivors of child sex abuse. As a researcher, she states that it is a scientific fact that connection is the basis for human life and shame unravels connection. That spells problems for us survivors, because our most powerful emotion is shame. She goes on to say that shame makes us feel as though we are not worthy of connection.
Welcome to my world and that of many survivors who are working through a healing process. At times, we can feel unworthy—unworthy of love; unworthy of joy; unworthy of the good things in life. My life looked more like a battlefield than a playground or a park. My perceived strength was really coming from fear, because there was no way I was going to let anyone ever get the upper hand on me again. Show no vulnerability and give no quarter.
Ms. Brown tells us that vulnerability is not weakness, but is in fact strength. It is through the strength to risk vulnerability that we find connection, growth and joy. What that says to me is that I have watched life from behind my protective walls and lived closed off from the beauty that is all around, yet never touched it. That is no doubt why people commented on how serious I always seemed to be. By cutting off my pain I also cut off the good feelings in life.
I began my healing by telling my story to a therapist. In hindsight I realize that took real courage. I began shedding my shame a piece at a time. Once the walls built by my shame started coming down, I began feeling lots of emotions. In letting go of my fear, I found courage to tell my story and risk being imperfect (vulnerable) in the world. I have lived a linear life, only deviating from the line to go around obstacles. My life now is circular. I find amazing connections that come around when they are needed. Life can be so much more than a race downfield. When we are strong enough to be vulnerable we find that everything is connected and in living those connections is a life of truth, worth and joy. And yes, it includes tears and pain as well, but it is good just to feel after living numb for so long.
My wife and I got a wedding present a million years ago and it was a ceramic turtle with a small tag on it that said “Behold the turtle, he makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.” May you find the strength to risk being vulnerable, tell your story, and in doing so find yourself, and all life has to offer.
Speaker, author and advocate for victims of child sexual abuse Randy Ellison, himself a victim as a teen, says he works on the issue because “we can’t stop the cycle of abuse unless it is not just acknowledged, but talked about, understood and prevented.” Author of the book Boys Don’t Tell: Ending the Silence of Abuse, Ellison is a child sexual abuse victim’s advocate and an activist promoting cultural change on this issue working with local, state and national organizations addressing abuse prevention and awareness.
Ellison is a founding member and former board president of Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service, OAASIS. Working with OAASIS he has helped pass groundbreaking legislation in Oregon on child sex abuse. He is also a member of the Oregon Attorney General’s Sexual Assault Task Force.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
1in6 Thursday: An Open Letter to Our Readers
May 9th
Dear 1in6 Thursday Blog Readers,
The Joyful Heart Foundation and 1in6 graciously provided me with a venue this past year in which I was able to share my voice on behalf of the voiceless – the male survivors of childhood sexual abuse whose voices are silenced with threats of violence, the survivors whose screams are muted by the “man box” and the victims who are too afraid to speak. As one of this blog’s voices, I want to leave you in my final blog post with a message of both hope and challenge.
Looking at the 1in6 website traffic in 2012, there was a 57% increase in visitors from the previous year. This increase gives us hope that healing is possible. Unfortunately, it also highlights the fact that our efforts to support male survivors of childhood sexual abuse must continue as there are still a large number of men who continue to suffer in silence.
We must no longer allow the plight of male survivors of childhood sexual abuse to fall on deaf ears. We must hear their cries, however faint they may be, and raise them up to full volume in order to improve our communities. We can no longer remain silent while our partners, brothers, uncles, neighbors, co-workers and classmates endure the pain of childhood sexual abuse. By remaining silent, we hinder their journey towards healing.
Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.” We must all take some sort of action, big or small, because we all have a stake in the outcome, and as a fellow reader of this blog, it is the perfect time to forge ahead with a plan of action.
Institutions, like city governments, universities and local churches must lead their constituents, students and followers down a path of non-violence by focusing on prevention rather than merely responding to sexual abuse after the fact, and individuals must hold them accountable by speaking out, demonstrating, calling or writing letters to the editor about the issue of male childhood sexual abuse.
Each of us is a piece of the puzzle. How we come together determines what the picture will look like. I urge you to rise to the challenge and to do your part. As insignificant as you think it might be, it is still more than what was being done yesterday and combined with the efforts of others, it can power the change we seek in order to create a picture of a community that we can all be proud of – a community of healing for male survivors of sexual abuse.
- By Emiliano Diaz de Leon
Emiliano C. Diaz de Leon is a Cultural Capacity Specialist for 1in6. Besides his work with 1in6, Emiliano has more than a decade of experience working for multiple domestic and sexual violence centers in Texas. Since 2008, Emiliano has worked as a Primary Prevention Specialist for the Texas Association Against Sexual Assault (TAASA) and since October 2011 providing technical assistance to the Office on Violence Against Women (OVW) Engaging Men Program grantees around the country as a Men’s Engagement Specialist. The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
Celebrate Mother’s Day With the Joyful Heart Foundation
May 3rd
Honor your mom and the other important women in your life this Mother’s Day with a special gift from our Heartshop.
Just in time for Mother’s Day, Bloomingdale’s has teamed up with Joyful Heart to join us in saying NO MORE—our collective movement centered around the simple message that together we can end domestic violence and sexual assault. Available both in stores and online during the month of May, 10% from each sale of Bloomingdale’s exclusive Aqua charm bracelet and heart pendant will be donated to Joyful Heart in honor of Mother’s Day.
Plus, Mariska Hargitay and Bloomingdale’s have the ultimate gift for Law & Order: Special Victims Unit fans—tickets to an exclusive luncheon with Mariska in June at Bloomingdale’s famed Le Train Bleu Restaurant. The first 20 people to email bloomingdales@joyfulheartfoundation.org at 12 pm EST on Friday, May 3, 2013 with a bid of $1,500 will receive two tickets to this once-in-a-lifetime luncheon where 100% of the proceeds benefit Joyful Heart.
Our Heartshop’s additional gifts that give back include a selection of special items to help you find the perfect memento to say thank you.
Michael Stars
By popular demand, Michael Stars has created a brand new Joyful Heart tee, which features the empowering words “Joy,” “Heal” and “Heart” on the back of an ultra-soft supima cotton short sleeve tee. This relaxed fit top is available in both navy and grey with 25% of each sale benefiting Joyful Heart. $68
Me&Ro
Me&Ro’s Fearlessness Tag Pendant brings a graceful twist and a smaller size the classic dog tag design. It is engraved with the word “Fearlessness” to remind us that embracing fearlessness inspires one to approach life with an open heart and to be strong in the face of life’s adversities. The tag pendant is available with a silver or gold slate on chain or with a silver slate on cotton cord and 100% of net proceeds benefit Joyful Heart. $130 – $1,030
Tiny Pine Press
A handwritten note is always a cherished way to express your appreciation and thoughts. Gratitude Cards from Tiny Pine Press are beautifully crafted with a delicate Swarovski crystal on the front and 100% of proceeds are donated to Joyful Heart. $24
Fran’s Chocolates
Fran’s Chocolates’ “Box of Joy” is the perfect gift for those with a sweet tooth. This delicious assortment of Gray Salt Caramels in dark chocolate, Smoked Salt Caramels in milk chocolate and Dark Chocolate Hearts is wrapped in a beautiful brown linen box and 50% of net proceeds are donated to Joyful Heart. $50
You can also make a contribution to Joyful Heart in honor of that special person as a way to express gratitude from the bottom of your joyful heart.
1in6 Thursday: Understanding My Abuser
May 2nd
When we think upon the abuse we suffered as children we are often consumed by feelings of pain and how they may continue to negatively affect us even into our present. It may be years before we consider, let alone care why our abuser may have done this to us. What made him/her the way that they are? If we allow our pain to answer this question, the immediate reply is likely, “Because he/she is a twisted pervert and a disgusting human being and they deserve to suffer.” These feelings are completely understandable and can even be a healthy first step in the healing process, however at some point we must move on to the next question: why would they have done something like this to me?
Statistics show that 95% of abusers were they themselves abused as children. When we are ready and when we are strong enough we may allow ourselves to move into the emotional realm of empathy. The odds are that your abuser suffered the exact same pain that they inflicted on you. If you can, think about that person as a little boy or girl and how scared they were when it happened to them. Imagine the shame that they lived with all of their lives not knowing how to deal with what happened to them and too ashamed to tell anyone. Then, after many years of that unrevealed secret festering inside of them like an infected appendix they exploded and they acted out inflicting that same pain on someone else, forever putting their life on a terrible course.
This reality by no means justifies our abusers and is not supposed to. By realizing that they suffered the same things we did it helps us to be able to forgive them. Forgiveness, contrary to common belief has much more to do with your healing than with the other person.
- By Aaron Kesseler
Aaron Kesseler was born in 1986, married the love of his life in 2010 and is currently working for his step-father’s commercial heating business in Seattle, WA. After high school he attended Northwest University in Kirkland for two years. Aaron has volunteered as a camp counselor for five years with the Muscular Dystrophy Association Summer Camp as well as three years with Royal Family Kids Camp, a summer camp for the most abused and neglected children in the area.
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
Denim Day USA 2013 and the Need for NO MORE Excuses
Apr 25th
“I didn’t know it was a rape. I don’t know what rape looks like.”
This is the comment from a 16-year-old high school boy who witnessed the sexual assault of a female student in Steubenville, Ohio when asked why he didn’t do something to stop it. This comment has not left my mind. It’s very discouraging. After all the “progress” that has been made in working to change the social norms that support violence and the attitudes that allow rape and other sexual violence to persist, clearly we are not there yet! What is wrong with this picture that in a suburban high school in Ohio, not only was a young girl repeatedly raped and assaulted, then videotaped but many students participated and/or witnessed the assault, did nothing, laughed and sent the images virally around the world.
Boys being boys? Bystanders in denial? Witnesses caught like deer in the headlights? Unconscious accomplices? Immaturity combined with entitlement? Of course it reminds me of the Jerry Sandusky case at Penn State where the assistant coach saw “something” in the locker room between Sandusky and a youth and although disturbed by what he saw, he wasn’t sure and he didn’t know what to do and so did nothing to intervene.
So here we are in April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and also Child Abuse Prevention Month. Yesterday, Wednesday, April 24th was the 14th annual Denim Day USA, is a sexual violence prevention education campaign dedicated to supporting survivors of all ages, genders, races, ethnicities and nationalities, and preventing rape. Each year we promote wearing jeans with a purpose and invite youth to participate in educational opportunities to debunk the myths that continue to persist. Clearly, there is so much more education to do. We need more bystander education that aims to engage everyone to become aware and alert and to care about this issue for their own well-being and for the well-being of others. There is something to say for “doing the right thing” kind of education. Are there enough courses in schools teaching how important it is to do the right thing and if you are not sure — to find out?
Organizations like Peace Over Violence and 1in6 work on the issue of sexual abuse everyday, not just on Denim Day. Every month is sexual abuse awareness and prevention month for the network of an agencies that provides intervention services, prevention and policy toward the vision of a culture that doesn’t ignore, allow, excuse or condone sexual violence in any form.
Our efforts must persist but we also have to rethink, reframe and perhaps reinvent how we do what we do to have greater impact. We have to find more ways to engage individuals—especially young people, communities, families and all of our institutions in this effort. We have a long way to go. I personally refuse to give up or to abandon this vision. It’s time to organize and engage with one another so that our very culture says NO MORE to sexual violence, domestic abuse and child abuse.
I believe we can get there. Will you believe too?
- By Patti Giggans
Patti Giggans is the Executive Director of Peace Over Violence. Peace Over Violence is dedicated to building healthy relationships, families and communities free from sexual, domestic and interpersonal violence. She is also the Vice-President of the Board of Directors for 1in6.
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
Bringing Awareness to Child Abuse and Neglect during April
Apr 12th
This month, we have the unique privilege of acknowledging and raising awareness around child abuse and neglect. April, National Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month, is dedicated to encouraging parents and caregivers to recognize the importance of promoting the social and emotional well being of children and families in communities.
First enacted by the U.S. government in 1983, this month brings attention to this issue and helps support the 676,596 children who are being abused and the 15.5 million children who are exposed to violence in the United States each year.
But we know that child abuse and neglect is preventable. So this April, let us turn towards this issue and stand with millions of others across the country to raise awareness during National Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention month.
In Hawai’i, Joyful Heart partnered with the Hawai’i Children’s Trust Fund to launch One Strong ‘Ohana, the largest state-wide child abuse and neglect prevention campaign in the state of Hawai‘i. It is based on the research that shows that child abuse and neglect is preventable and that individuals—parents, caregivers and adult community members—can play a part in creating a positive and healthy environment.
As board member Valli Kalei Kanuha, Ph.D said:
“Our premise is simple: rather than wait for something to go wrong, do something right, something as basic as running an errand for an overstressed caretaker or offering to watch your neighbors’ kids so they can have a little break.”
We can each help create a nurturing environment for our children by reaching out to parents in the smallest of ways, like offering to pick up the groceries for a neighbor or friend, getting the kids together for a play date or offer to watch their kids for a while and simply asking how things are going. Check out the PSA below:
While One Strong ‘Ohana is local to Hawai‘i, the premise is universal. The campaign is based in protective factors, which are positive attributes that are shown to strengthen all families. They can include parental resilience, showing and feeling nurturing and attachment towards one’s child, knowledge of child and youth development, concrete support and social connections to others. When present, these factors are shown to reduce harm and strengthen families. To learn more about the research and methodology behind protecting children preventing child abuse, click here.
For some more ideas and resources on how you can engage your community, protect children and get tips for parents and caregivers, visit the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. To watch PSAs in English and Spanish and learn more what state and national organizations are doing to promote community-based child abuse prevention programs, click here.
If you’re interested in getting involved in local initiatives in your community, The Innocence Revolution is a global effort to end child abuse that several Joyful Heart supporters began, with a global Day of Action taking place this Sunday, April 14. Like the One Strong ‘Ohana campaign, the initiative focuses on what adults can—and need to—do to prevent child abuse. For ideas on how to spread the word, visit theinnocencerevolution.net and for a list of Innocence Revolution events near you, click here.
On behalf of Joyful Heart and children everywhere, thank you for lending your voice to this important month and for taking the time to learn more and shed light on child abuse.
April is also Sexual Assault Awareness Month. To get involved and find resources, visit our previous post by clicking here.
1in6 Thursday: Widening the Lens on Gender and Violence
Apr 11th
Even a few years ago, who would have imagined that the opening plenary panel at the 2013 End Violence Against Women International (EVAWI) conference (last week in Baltimore) would focus on supporting men who have experienced unwanted or abusive childhood sexual interactions. It’s difficult to overstate the value of a shift in thinking that exposed nearly 1,200 conference participants—including advocates, investigators, prosecutors and clinicians—to the notion of engaging men as direct beneficiaries of efforts to end sexual violence. What a long way we’ve come!
The speakers on the panel, facilitated by 1in6 Founding Board member Dr. David Lisak, included 1in6 Founder, Steve LePore, and 1in6 collaborative partners, Rick Goodwin of The Men’s Project of Ottawa and 1in6 Canada, and Gary Foster of Living Well in Australia. Dr. Howard Fradkin of MaleSurvivor also spoke. All have devoted their lives to finding ways to help men who experience childhood abuse to live healthier, happier lives.
Former San Diego police detective, Joanne Archambault, founded End Violence Against Women International in 2003, to provide “affordable training for all disciplines with an emphasis on the law enforcement investigation and proper criminal justice responses to sexual assault and domestic violence.” In the intervening years, EVAWI has become a leading voice in the international effort to create safer, violence-free communities. EVAWI’s mission and stature made the inclusion of male survivors on the panel all the more powerful.
Historically, programs to end gender-based violence have understandably focused on ending violence against women and children. Women and girls have been—and continue to be—the most likely victims of sexual abuse or assault. Men, usually seen through the lens of being participants in masculine culture, have most often been viewed by the movement principally as bystanders, with a duty and potential to intervene to end violence against women by other men; or as perpetrators of violence against women and children.
What’s always been lost in that model (and was highlighted by the panel) is the reality that 1 in 6 men were among those children sexually abused in childhood. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that “more than 1 in 4 (28.5 percent) men in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime” and the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) study suggests that nearly two-thirds of men (62 percent) may have experienced some kind of emotional, physical or sexual childhood trauma.
Let me be clear. Having a trauma history never excuses abusive or harmful behavior.
But how might our violence-prevention conversations shift if we were to operate on the assumption that a given man is at least as likely to have experienced trauma himself as he is likely to become a perpetrator of sexual violence? What an opportunity for eliciting empathy for other victims of violence!
And how might that notion expand our view of the benefits of reaching out to male survivors of childhood sexual abuse? Or even to men who have behaved offensively?
At the conference, hundreds of participants stopped by the 1in6 exhibit booth after the panel to express support for expanding services to men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood and as adults. Many said the panel presentation had opened their eyes to a new way of looking at their work and the people who are affected.
The question of how best to reach those men, how to get them to engage in services, remains one of our biggest challenges. But EVAWI’s cracking open the dialogue to include men as legitimate recipients of services for sexual trauma represents an enormous step toward healing and change for all of us—men, women and children.
Thank you EVAWI, for your remarkable vision.
- By Peter Pollard
Peter Pollard is the Training and Outreach Director for 1in6, Inc. Peter previously worked for 15 years as a state, child-protection social worker and was the Public Education director at Stop It Now! Since 2003, he has served as the Western Massachusetts coordinator for SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) and also does work for a Certified Batterers Intervention Program.
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
From 1in6: Knowing Your Offender, Navigating Your Healing Path
Apr 8th
1in6 provides resources for survivors and their loved ones. If you are just beginning your journey or need support along the way our 24/7 SupportLine is trained to help. Read more about guys like you and their inspiring stories.
This is probably the most complicated and least understood aspect of child sex abuse. 90 percent of all perpetrators are known to the victims, with 30 – 40 percent coming from the victim’s immediate family and only 10 percent strangers. The other 50 – 60 percent of perpetrators include older kids, babysitters, teachers, ministers, coaches and leaders in youth-serving programs. So to state the obvious, in most cases victims usually know their offenders and are related in some way before the abuse starts.
Offenders take advantage of the trust placed in them. They can be so calculating, and the abuse so gradual, that it goes unnoticed or undetected. It is not uncommon for the victim to even think this is a normal part of the relationship. Even if they know on some level that there is something wrong, it can be incredibly difficult for a child, who is a victim of power and control, to rationally separate the abuse from the normal parts of the relationship. Most abuse starts with what is called grooming, where the offender uses attention, flattery and sometimes gifts to gain the trust of the child. The grooming behavior of the offender validates the victim and the abuse invalidates them. I believe that because of this grooming and manipulation, most child victims think the abuse is either normal or brought on by their own behavior.
As a survivor I may have many rationales for why it happened, but no matter what, I truly believed in my heart it was brought on by something I did or did not do. The mantle of shame was mine to wear until I finally did the work to be able to take it off.
In my mind, I believed that I had brought on the abuse, leaving the real offender off the hook. I had completely separated the abusive behavior from the person whom I loved and looked up to. And even though I eventually realized this just wasn’t true—and that blaming myself hurt me in the long run. At the time though, it helped me avoid facing the truth and kept me sane. I had to see the offender almost daily, so now with the abuse locked away under my guard, I could “normalize” my relationship with him When I was around my abuser in public everything was normal, so no one would suspect what I thought I had done. The interesting part is that on every other level I had great respect and deeply loved my abuser and as long as I keep the secret locked away, it was easy to show love for him.
In my case, my offender was my minister. I idealized him. He was my mentor. Everyone, including me, thought he was an amazing gift from God. I wanted to grow up just like him, but I thought I could never be that good. After the abuse ended, I would still go see him on a regular basis. Three years later he performed my wedding ceremony. A year after that he performed my mother’s memorial service. I continued to see him on a decreasing basis until I was in my early forties.
I never once thought, “you bastard, why did you do that to me.” It was my self-esteem that suffered. I was the one with shame as a constant companion. It never dawned on me that keeping the secret was hurting me. Some part of my brain figured that was the way to be “normal.” “Nothing wrong here!” I thought. Unfortunately that denial and dissociation could not possibly be more destructive.
If you find yourself where I did, try to begin speaking your truth. Find someone safe and just blurt it out. That is the start. The shame isn’t yours to carry—it belongs with the perpetrator.
I think you will find you have a lot to unpack once you risk starting. Be prepared, this healing thing is not a destination, but rather an unending journey. Here’s the spoiler: on the healing path, you will go to amazing places, meet incredible people, and see, hear and feel things you never imagined. Safe travels and may your journey be blessed.
- by Randy Ellison
Randy’s careers include community health worker with Multnomah County Health Department, Portland, OR, a youth camp manager at a church camp in the Cascade Mountains, a Realtor in Bend, OR, and a lumber wholesaler in Portland. In 1999 he moved to Ashland, Oregon and began remodeling houses. He now works as an advocate for survivors of child sexual abuse and has authored many articles on the subject. He has a book, Boys Don’t Tell; Ending the Silence of Abuse ,which has recently been published by Morgan James.
Randy works with several organizations on abuse prevention and awareness. He is a member of CAN, Child Abuse Network of Jackson County, which is a collaboration of over 40 agencies working together to impact child abuse in Southern Oregon. He is Board President of OAASIS, Oregon Abuse Survivors in Service, based in Portland.
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.org.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.