Survivor Stories
1in6 Thursday: Behold the Turtle
May 16th
Researcher Brené Brown became an overnight celebrity after she gave a TED Talk about vulnerability and shame that has been viewed over nine million times.
Everything she says about vulnerability and shame can be directly applied to survivors of child sex abuse. As a researcher, she states that it is a scientific fact that connection is the basis for human life and shame unravels connection. That spells problems for us survivors, because our most powerful emotion is shame. She goes on to say that shame makes us feel as though we are not worthy of connection.
Welcome to my world and that of many survivors who are working through a healing process. At times, we can feel unworthy—unworthy of love; unworthy of joy; unworthy of the good things in life. My life looked more like a battlefield than a playground or a park. My perceived strength was really coming from fear, because there was no way I was going to let anyone ever get the upper hand on me again. Show no vulnerability and give no quarter.
Ms. Brown tells us that vulnerability is not weakness, but is in fact strength. It is through the strength to risk vulnerability that we find connection, growth and joy. What that says to me is that I have watched life from behind my protective walls and lived closed off from the beauty that is all around, yet never touched it. That is no doubt why people commented on how serious I always seemed to be. By cutting off my pain I also cut off the good feelings in life.
I began my healing by telling my story to a therapist. In hindsight I realize that took real courage. I began shedding my shame a piece at a time. Once the walls built by my shame started coming down, I began feeling lots of emotions. In letting go of my fear, I found courage to tell my story and risk being imperfect (vulnerable) in the world. I have lived a linear life, only deviating from the line to go around obstacles. My life now is circular. I find amazing connections that come around when they are needed. Life can be so much more than a race downfield. When we are strong enough to be vulnerable we find that everything is connected and in living those connections is a life of truth, worth and joy. And yes, it includes tears and pain as well, but it is good just to feel after living numb for so long.
My wife and I got a wedding present a million years ago and it was a ceramic turtle with a small tag on it that said “Behold the turtle, he makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.” May you find the strength to risk being vulnerable, tell your story, and in doing so find yourself, and all life has to offer.
Speaker, author and advocate for victims of child sexual abuse Randy Ellison, himself a victim as a teen, says he works on the issue because “we can’t stop the cycle of abuse unless it is not just acknowledged, but talked about, understood and prevented.” Author of the book Boys Don’t Tell: Ending the Silence of Abuse, Ellison is a child sexual abuse victim’s advocate and an activist promoting cultural change on this issue working with local, state and national organizations addressing abuse prevention and awareness.
Ellison is a founding member and former board president of Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service, OAASIS. Working with OAASIS he has helped pass groundbreaking legislation in Oregon on child sex abuse. He is also a member of the Oregon Attorney General’s Sexual Assault Task Force.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
1in6 Thursday: Understanding My Abuser
May 2nd
When we think upon the abuse we suffered as children we are often consumed by feelings of pain and how they may continue to negatively affect us even into our present. It may be years before we consider, let alone care why our abuser may have done this to us. What made him/her the way that they are? If we allow our pain to answer this question, the immediate reply is likely, “Because he/she is a twisted pervert and a disgusting human being and they deserve to suffer.” These feelings are completely understandable and can even be a healthy first step in the healing process, however at some point we must move on to the next question: why would they have done something like this to me?
Statistics show that 95% of abusers were they themselves abused as children. When we are ready and when we are strong enough we may allow ourselves to move into the emotional realm of empathy. The odds are that your abuser suffered the exact same pain that they inflicted on you. If you can, think about that person as a little boy or girl and how scared they were when it happened to them. Imagine the shame that they lived with all of their lives not knowing how to deal with what happened to them and too ashamed to tell anyone. Then, after many years of that unrevealed secret festering inside of them like an infected appendix they exploded and they acted out inflicting that same pain on someone else, forever putting their life on a terrible course.
This reality by no means justifies our abusers and is not supposed to. By realizing that they suffered the same things we did it helps us to be able to forgive them. Forgiveness, contrary to common belief has much more to do with your healing than with the other person.
- By Aaron Kesseler
Aaron Kesseler was born in 1986, married the love of his life in 2010 and is currently working for his step-father’s commercial heating business in Seattle, WA. After high school he attended Northwest University in Kirkland for two years. Aaron has volunteered as a camp counselor for five years with the Muscular Dystrophy Association Summer Camp as well as three years with Royal Family Kids Camp, a summer camp for the most abused and neglected children in the area.
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
From 1in6: Knowing Your Offender, Navigating Your Healing Path
Apr 8th
1in6 provides resources for survivors and their loved ones. If you are just beginning your journey or need support along the way our 24/7 SupportLine is trained to help. Read more about guys like you and their inspiring stories.
This is probably the most complicated and least understood aspect of child sex abuse. 90 percent of all perpetrators are known to the victims, with 30 – 40 percent coming from the victim’s immediate family and only 10 percent strangers. The other 50 – 60 percent of perpetrators include older kids, babysitters, teachers, ministers, coaches and leaders in youth-serving programs. So to state the obvious, in most cases victims usually know their offenders and are related in some way before the abuse starts.
Offenders take advantage of the trust placed in them. They can be so calculating, and the abuse so gradual, that it goes unnoticed or undetected. It is not uncommon for the victim to even think this is a normal part of the relationship. Even if they know on some level that there is something wrong, it can be incredibly difficult for a child, who is a victim of power and control, to rationally separate the abuse from the normal parts of the relationship. Most abuse starts with what is called grooming, where the offender uses attention, flattery and sometimes gifts to gain the trust of the child. The grooming behavior of the offender validates the victim and the abuse invalidates them. I believe that because of this grooming and manipulation, most child victims think the abuse is either normal or brought on by their own behavior.
As a survivor I may have many rationales for why it happened, but no matter what, I truly believed in my heart it was brought on by something I did or did not do. The mantle of shame was mine to wear until I finally did the work to be able to take it off.
In my mind, I believed that I had brought on the abuse, leaving the real offender off the hook. I had completely separated the abusive behavior from the person whom I loved and looked up to. And even though I eventually realized this just wasn’t true—and that blaming myself hurt me in the long run. At the time though, it helped me avoid facing the truth and kept me sane. I had to see the offender almost daily, so now with the abuse locked away under my guard, I could “normalize” my relationship with him When I was around my abuser in public everything was normal, so no one would suspect what I thought I had done. The interesting part is that on every other level I had great respect and deeply loved my abuser and as long as I keep the secret locked away, it was easy to show love for him.
In my case, my offender was my minister. I idealized him. He was my mentor. Everyone, including me, thought he was an amazing gift from God. I wanted to grow up just like him, but I thought I could never be that good. After the abuse ended, I would still go see him on a regular basis. Three years later he performed my wedding ceremony. A year after that he performed my mother’s memorial service. I continued to see him on a decreasing basis until I was in my early forties.
I never once thought, “you bastard, why did you do that to me.” It was my self-esteem that suffered. I was the one with shame as a constant companion. It never dawned on me that keeping the secret was hurting me. Some part of my brain figured that was the way to be “normal.” “Nothing wrong here!” I thought. Unfortunately that denial and dissociation could not possibly be more destructive.
If you find yourself where I did, try to begin speaking your truth. Find someone safe and just blurt it out. That is the start. The shame isn’t yours to carry—it belongs with the perpetrator.
I think you will find you have a lot to unpack once you risk starting. Be prepared, this healing thing is not a destination, but rather an unending journey. Here’s the spoiler: on the healing path, you will go to amazing places, meet incredible people, and see, hear and feel things you never imagined. Safe travels and may your journey be blessed.
- by Randy Ellison
Randy’s careers include community health worker with Multnomah County Health Department, Portland, OR, a youth camp manager at a church camp in the Cascade Mountains, a Realtor in Bend, OR, and a lumber wholesaler in Portland. In 1999 he moved to Ashland, Oregon and began remodeling houses. He now works as an advocate for survivors of child sexual abuse and has authored many articles on the subject. He has a book, Boys Don’t Tell; Ending the Silence of Abuse ,which has recently been published by Morgan James.
Randy works with several organizations on abuse prevention and awareness. He is a member of CAN, Child Abuse Network of Jackson County, which is a collaboration of over 40 agencies working together to impact child abuse in Southern Oregon. He is Board President of OAASIS, Oregon Abuse Survivors in Service, based in Portland.
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.org.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
1in6 Thursday: Shaped
Mar 28th
Most of us know this fact, although few of us make use of the information: Events in our childhood shaped our attitudes and our behavior. If we reflect on our lives, usually we can see that the past—both good and bad—affected our personalities and formed us into becoming who we are today.
In my life, molestation is the saddest aspect and one of the most life-shaping events. My responses to what happened at the hands of my perpetrators touch every relationship—even though I was rarely conscious of the effect.
For example, I’m a compulsive overachiever. I used to say that God gave me a lot of energy (true) and I work quickly (also true) and I’m highly self-disciplined (correct). A fourth truth, however, is that the little boy inside me was crying out, “I’m worthwhile! Look at what I’m doing! I’m showing you that I’m not useless!”
I’m an author and I’ve published 135 books. When that fact comes out, some people seem in awe and heap congratulations on me. For a long time, that’s what I wanted to hear;. But now, I no longer need the adulation. Instead, I say, “No normal person writes that many books. Unconscious, overpowering needs drove me because I was trying to feel good about myself.”
Because I’m learning to appreciate who I am, I’m happier. The significant individuals in my life love me. They appreciate me for being who I am and not for what I accomplish.
I still write rapidly and I continue to produce at least three books at year. I remain a high-energy person and self-disciplined. I no longer feel the relentless push to accomplish more. For the past two years, the activities haven’t changed, but the motivation has. Others may not be aware of the difference, but I know. They focus on what I accomplish; I concentrate on who I am.
Another way to say it is that these days my behavior comes from pleasurable self-discipline without needing to prove anything to others or to myself. What I do for a living satisfies and fulfills me. I enjoy my achievements instead of hurrying on to the next project.
Although my past shaped me, I didn’t have to make it a permanent condition. By accepting myself as I am, I’ve turned those negatives elements into positive qualities.
This morning, I was able to say aloud, “I like who I am, I like who I used to be, and I like who I’m becoming.”
Cecil Murphey has written two books on sexual abuse. The first was When a Man You Love Was Abused and his new book is Not Quite Healed. He is the author or co-author of several best-selling books including 90 Minutes in Heaven, which was on The New York Times’ best-seller list for five years, and Gifted Hands: the Ben Carson Story. www.menshatteringthesilence.blogspot.com
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.org.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
I’m Leaving You for Me
Mar 12th
Photo courtesy of Buffy Lawson
Today, we have a guest post from country singer Buffy Lawson. Buffy arrived in Nashville, the Music City, by way of Lexington, Kentucky, where she grew up singing from an early age. Somewhere along the way, she met “Steve.”
Today, on the eve of NO MORE Day, she shares her story about awakening, surviving, healing and sharing her journey through her art.
I do not claim to be formally educated on the issue of abuse, but as a songwriter, one of my primary jobs is to pay attention to life. It has always been exceedingly important to me to inspire people through my music humorously, as well as addressing important issues.
That being said, sadly, I have had many friends and fans share stories of horrific instances of abuse. While never being physically struck myself, I have been in situations of emotional abuse and know firsthand how complicated the issue can be. Some of the strongest women I have ever met have found themselves broken down so far by their abusers that they were not able to control things from happening that they could have never imagined prior to that relationship. I was one of them.
“Steve” comes to mind. He was very kind and wonderful in the beginning. Our relationship seemed blissful but, over time, he began to become very critical of me. He did not like me to wear white t-shirts as he felt that they showed too much of my breasts. He discouraged me from wearing makeup or curling my hair. His explanation was that I looked “cheap” and not “intellectual.” Steve laughed at me if I couldn’t figure out the exact amount of a 20% tip in my head and was condescending if I couldn’t remember the lead actor name in a film we had recently seen.
But it was so gradual that I didn’t see it happening. Until my sisters came to dinner with us one evening. He belittled me in front of them and they were outraged.
I defended him, of course.
Steve cheated on me with a woman that he brought to our home, claiming they were friends. By the time I was aware of his affair, my confidence was gone. I actually recall begging him to leave her.
Much time and many tears later, I realized that Steve was threatened by me. He did everything possible to dim my beautiful light and tried his best to prevent me from shining. I later realized that Steve was trying to compensate for his own well of insecurities by breaking me down, which is often the case.
I have known many others, both male and female, who were physically assaulted by their partners, as well as a precious friend who was murdered by her husband.
It became critically important for me to write a song that would address this horrible epidemic and offer promise and hope to people that so deserve it. “I’m Leaving You For Me” is a story about a very specific moment of clarity in a person’s life when they say: NO MORE. This will not continue to be my life. It’s about the instant when fuzziness, confusion and the feeling of brokenness are replaced with confidence, strength and respect.
It is my hope that “I’m Leaving You For Me” will give wings to those who have been emotionally and or physically caged. It is my prayer that every man and woman in the world will feel the freedom to fly and shine.
Check out “I’m Leaving You For Me” here. For more info on Buffy Lawson, please visit www.wrinkledrecords.com or www.buffylawson.com.
From 1in6: Keeping our Past a Secret
Mar 4th
“The power to choose when and how one heals is just as important as finding a support system that works for YOU. Some choose faith and mental health support. We heal “In our own time, and at our own pace.”
- The 1in6 Family
It was during my first year of college that my past abuse was brought to the light. During that process I saw a counselor regularly. My counselor was a very kind and gentle middle-aged woman who had also suffered sexual abuse as a child. However, in her life the painful events of her childhood were continually suppressed until one day, when she was 33 and had children of her own; she snapped. I don’t remember the details of what she shared with me, but I do remember her point in why she told me her story. You can only deny what happened for so long. If you don’t choose to deal with it, it will eventually choose to deal with you whether you like it or not and often at the worst possible time in life. She told me that it took several years of counseling to get through it, but during that time she was a wreck. She said, “It almost ruined my marriage and irrevocably damaged my children. Their mother was a neurotic mess for several years.” My counselor was a Christian and attributed her making it through those years to the loving kindness of God, as well as the willingness of her husband to love her through it.
Hearing her story was a great encouragement to me to choose to continue on and endure the pain I was going through. It was also an affirmation of what I felt the Lord had said to me as well, “Aaron, Son, you can choose to deal with this now and let all the pain and hurt out so that my love can fill that place inside of you, or you can shut the door and we will deal with it down the road.” I have never regretted opening that door.
I began 2 years of intense emotional warfare. By the loving kindness of God I have come out the other side healthier. I feel more whole, more complete as a person. I know that I now have more to give away because of what has been restored to me through dealing with the hurt and the shame. I am so thankful for that season of pain in my youth, at my time of choosing. I know that I have stripped those events in my life of any power they once had over me. I can give more of my heart and myself to my wife and one day to my children because I chose to deal with my painful past, rather than waiting for it to choose when to deal with me.
“Although your past has been painful devastating or cruel God has promised to be a Restorer and a Redeemer. He says He will “give us gladness in proportion to our former misery” and “replace the evil years with good”.”
- By Aaron Kesseler
Aaron Kesseler was born in 1986, married the love of his life in 2010 and is currently working for his step-father’s commercial heating business in Seattle, WA. After high school he attended Northwest University in Kirkland for two years. Aaron has volunteered as a camp counselor for five years with the Muscular Dystrophy Association Summer Camp as well as three years with Royal Family Kids Camp, a summer camp for the most abused and neglected children in the area.
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
1in6 Thursday: Secondary Survivors
Feb 21st
My friend Steve introduced me to the term, Secondary Survivor. Those two words say it well for those of us who have significant people in our lives.
We’re survivors and the people who truly love us have also endured. I used to refer to them as the “other victims” of abuse. While that’s true, survivor is a stronger, more positive term. All too often, however, we’re so caught up in our own turmoil we fail to realize that they also hurt—not in the same way, but the pain isn’t less real.
Perhaps the most difficult thing for secondary survivors to understand is that the effects of abuse are long lasting. Our perpetrators were probably individuals we trusted and believed they loved us.
We were young when they betrayed us. And because those once-trusted people victimized us, many of us find it difficult to believe we’re worth being loved or that anyone could truly care for us. We question others’ motives or lash out at them when they deserve to be embraced.
It’s sad, but the secondary survivors have the demanding role of proving to us that they love us. Too often it appears as if healing must flow in one direction—our loved ones reach out to us, and in some marvelous way, they heal the anguish and the torture of our past.
Their responsibility isn’t to heal us. They can’t remove our agony or rub out our pasts. They can encourage and support us as we struggle through our own issues. They love us and are aware of our past and that makes them the other survivors of abuse.
What is our responsibility to them? Their anguish is often as perplexing as ours, especially when they can’t understand our attitude or behavior. As we become of aware of their suffering, we take another step forward in our own healing. By feeling the pain of the other survivor, we unconsciously turn that into self-compassion.
Here’s a lesson I’ve learned: I tried to appreciate the secondary survivor (my wife) for sticking with me, and I slowly learned to accept her love as genuine. She doesn’t need to prove her commitment to me; I need to show my love for her.
- By Cecil Murphey
Cecil Murphey has written two books on sexual abuse. The first was When a Man You Love Was Abused and his new book is Not Quite Healed. He is the author or co-author of 130 books including 90 Minutes in Heaven, which was on the New York Times best-seller list for five years. www.menshatteringthesilence.blogspot.com
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.
1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.
The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.
1in6 Thursday: Lost and Found
Feb 14th
I have often heard it said that child sex abuse can kill a person’s soul. I have uttered those words myself. I know now that it does not actually kill the soul, but it definitely damages it and breaks the heart as well.
I built walls to protect myself, and kept the secret hidden and felt broken for four decades, so it is a long road to wholeness. I started therapy for the sexual abuse I suffered as a teenager, 5 years ago, in my late fifties. Recovery from the impact of child abuse has included reclaiming my heart and soul. For me going back in time and sifting through the pain and hurt to find the lost child has been the hardest part of the journey. And yet without my child-self, I can never be me. It was so long ago. What was he like before; before the touch; before the lines were all blurred; when there was innocence and playfulness; when there was hope and joy.
It is not an easy path moving beyond the anger and pain of all I have missed and lost because of the actions of a “Holy Man”, a “Man of God.” What did I lose? Innocence, trust, faith, hope, warmth of loving touch, my natural sexuality, the joy of intimacy, the ability to have equal and healthy relationships with others, the strength to go through a day without getting high, dreams and long term goals, confidence, self respect, and any sense of being comfortable in my own skin. The “ick” feeling I had during the abuse, became my fallback position throughout my life, only I applied it to myself.
The control issues I developed kept me from being a successful parent, partner to my wife, employee and friend to others. I was driven by fear (which I thought was strength) to control everything and everybody around me, and I guess I thought that using alcohol and drugs would ease the pain inside. Just getting through the day without anyone getting too close or threatening me in any way seemed to be the goal.
So survive I did. I have often been told I am a good survivor. What a lonely existence! It has only been since I entered therapy that my life has begun to make sense and I am finally growing beyond just surviving. Love has replaced fear, and new relationships have replaced loneliness. I’m sure I will always have to deal with my issues, but at least now I have the opportunity to start each day anew.
The first steps are the most painful, but with support and persistence there is truly the chance for joy on the other side. There are things I have lost that I will never recover, but the things I have reclaimed make every difficult step worth it.
- by Randy Ellison
Randy’s careers include community health worker with Multnomah County Health Department, Portland, OR, a youth camp manager at a church camp in the Cascade Mountains, a Realtor in Bend, OR, and a lumber wholesaler in Portland. In 1999 he moved to Ashland, Oregon and began remodeling houses. He now works as an advocate for survivors of child sexual abuse and has authored many articles on the subject. He has a book, Boys Don’t Tell; Ending the Silence of Abuse ,which has recently been published by Morgan James.
Randy works with several organizations on abuse prevention and awareness. He is a member of CAN, Child Abuse Network of Jackson County, which is a collaboration of over 40 agencies working together to impact child abuse in Southern Oregon. He is Board President of OAASIS, Oregon Abuse Survivors in Service, based in Portland.