<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> <rss version="2.0" xml:base="https://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/"> <channel> <title>Joyful Heart Foundation - overcoming pain</title> <link>https://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/tags/overcoming-pain</link> <description></description> <language>en</language> <item> <title>1in6 Thursday: Reusing Pain</title> <link>https://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/blog/1in6-thursday-reusing-pain</link> <description><div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even" property="content:encoded"> <p>I hate it that I was sexually assaulted and physically beaten as a child. So many times, I've wished it hadn't happened. But it did happen.</p><p>Despite the fact that I've been on the healing path for years, I continue to learn about myself and how my painful childhood has carried into my adult years. </p><p>One significant fact has emerged from struggling with my past: I've learned to reuse my pain. That may not be a sophisticated way to say it, but it helps me to think of it like that. Recently, people have said many nice things to me about being a good listener, encouraging them and being compassionate.</p><p>For a long time I tried to stop them and say, "That's not who I am." I knew my heart and when I thought about qualities such as compassion, I'd grade myself about a C minus. I'm sure that's because I still struggled with my lack of self-esteem.</p><p>Over the years, I've learned to listen to the compliments from others—especially when I hear them more than once. For instance, about ten years ago, another writer named Rhonda Ray called me sweet. Her words shocked me. Immediately I thought of the unkind, harsh things I'd said about others. I shrugged and reminded myself that Rhonda didn't know me well. </p><p>Shortly after that encounter, a woman who had been a member of a church where I had pastored for ten years said, "You are really a gentle person."</p><p>Gentle? Me? That word just didn't fit my self-image, because I knew myself too well. Over the next few months, people described me as kind and thoughtful.</p><p>One day I asked my wife, "Have I changed drastically within the past few months?" I told her about some of the comments.</p><p>Shirley laughed and said, "They're true. You're finally learning to believe those things about yourself."</p><p>I'm extremely uncomfortable even now in writing this, but from the compassionate words of others, I've learned that some of them know me better than I've known myself. </p><p>Or the way I think of it, I've learned to reuse my pain. That may sound like an odd jump in logic but it works like this. I received little kindness as a child. Or perhaps I hurt so much, I was afraid to believe or trust anyone who showed any kindness. </p><p>One day I had one of those moments of enlightenment. I realized that I gave to others what I wanted others to give me. As simple as that sounds, my thinking changed dramatically. How can I do that? How can I embrace others when I can't embrace myself? And yet that's what I was already doing.</p><p>My biggest moment of insight came when I looked at what I've done as a professional writer. My most successful books are those I've written about other people. </p><p>What I hear from others is that I know how to get into the heart of those about whom I write. That still shocks me because I have no idea how I do that but I assume those who say such kind words mean them.</p><p>Thus I've reused my pain. As a child, one way I learned to avoid regular beatings from my dad was to become sensitive to his moods. I was probably too young to figure out that Thursday—the day before his payday—was the worst time. My dad was a functional alcoholic. Each day when he came home from work, I could tell just from the way he walked and the expression on his face whether I needed to hide. I couldn't have put that into words but intuitively I knew. That was part of my coping.</p><p>As a collaborator, I've often been drawn to the stories of underdogs, of those who shouldn't have achieved, but they do. As I listen and try to put their emotional responses in print, I sometimes smile and say to myself, I'm reusing my pain to help others. </p><p><img src="/sites/default/files/blog/Blog-Logo-1in6-New-Body.png" width="196" height="260" style="float: left;" class=" no-shadow" /><em>- By Cecil Murphey</em></p><p><em>Cecil Murphey wrote</em> When a Man You Love Was Abused<em> and </em>Not Quite Healed<em> with survivor Gary Roe. Murphey is the author or coauthor of more than 130 books including international best-sellers,</em> 90 Minutes in Heaven<em> and</em> Gifted Hands: the Ben Carson Story<em>.</em></p><p><em>The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.</em></p><p class="p1"><em>1in6</em>′<em>s mission also includes serving </em><a href="http://1in6.org/family-friends-partners/"><em>family members, friends and partners</em></a><em> by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.</em></p><p class="p1"><em>Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit </em><a href="http://www.1in6.org/"><em>1in6.org</em></a><em> for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative <a href="/programs/education-awareness/engaging-men/1in6-partnership-and-1bluestring">here</a>.</em></p><p class="p1"><em>The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.</em></p> </div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-blog-category field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/blog-category/our-issues" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">Our Issues</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/blog-category/sexual-assault" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">Sexual Assault</a></div><div class="field-item even"><a href="/blog-category/child-abuse-and-neglect" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">Child Abuse and Neglect</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/blog-category/engaging-men" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">Engaging Men</a></div><div class="field-item even"><a href="/blog-category/our-partners" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">Our Partners</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/blog-category/1in6-thursdays" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">1in6 Thursdays</a></div></div></div><div class="field field-name-field-tags field-type-taxonomy-term-reference field-label-above"><div class="field-label">Tags:&nbsp;</div><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><a href="/tags/survivors-stories" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">survivors&#039; stories</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/tags/engaging-men" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">engaging men</a></div><div class="field-item even"><a href="/tags/healing" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">healing</a></div><div class="field-item odd"><a href="/tags/overcoming-pain" typeof="skos:Concept" property="rdfs:label skos:prefLabel" datatype="">overcoming pain</a></div></div></div></description> <pubDate>Thu, 26 Jun 2014 18:12:56 +0000</pubDate> <dc:creator>1in6org</dc:creator> <guid isPermaLink="false">31842 at https://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org</guid> </item> </channel> </rss>