“You did so much for me.” Monty ran up to me, embraced me and thanked me.

He thought I had done so much; I felt I had done so little.

“You listened,” Monty said and hugged me again.

In terms of my doing something, I felt inadequate.

For Monty, I did the one healing thing I could do: I allowed him to talk and didn’t judge him. That’s all he needed—someone to listen and not totell him what a terrible failure he was. In reality, I kept silent because I didn’t know what to say or how to help.

That incident has happened on several occasions. Each time I’m amazed because I was silent. I’m a man who can talk a lot and often. In recent years, however, I’ve learned that my silence is sometimes more eloquent than my best, thought-out responses.

As I wrote above, initially I kept quiet—not out of wisdom, but out of not knowing what to say. I didn’t want to offer advice out of my discomfort, or say something to make the situation worse.

So I did the right thing—and, only in retrospect, understood it was correct. I cared about Monty and the others who have come to me. It’s easy (and sometimes tempting) to throw out clichés, and nice-but-empty phrases. I’ve come to believe that at the right times, silence speaks more eloquently than the cleverest words.

Monty and the others who came to me didn’t need answers, sage advice or lectures on healthy behavior. They needed me to care and I proved I cared by respecting their dilemmas, listening and accepting them in their dark moments.

If we want to help but don’t know what to say, we wisely say nothing.

Cecil Murphey has written When a Man You Love Was Abused (2010) and Not Quite Healed (2013).www.menshatteringthesilence.blogspot.com.

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.

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The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.