Joyful Heart in the News

Mariska Hargitay doesn't just play a police officer on TV; she thinks and acts like one, even after they call "Cut." Given that she's spent more than a decade in character, it makes sense that the role is almost second nature. What's surprising: The skills she learned from her detective alter ego — how to assess people's behavior, protect herself, speak with authority, and handle a crisis — serve her remarkably well in daily life as a wife, mom, and friend.

"I can go totally into cop mode," says the star of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, remembering the time she rushed to the aid of a pregnant woman who had fainted on a New York City sidewalk. "I yelled, 'Call 911; get her water.' Then I started going through all of the questions with her that could answer what might be wrong with her. It was completely like an episode of the show."

After 11 years portraying Olivia Benson, the tough but compassionate Manhattan sex-crimes detective, the 46-year-old actress has developed sure instincts and quick reflexes. The role has had a deep impact on the most personal aspects of her life, including her marriage to actor Peter Hermann and her approach to parenting their son, August. "It really prepared me for motherhood, because as a cop, you are in charge of any emergency and you need to stay calm, take control, and get the help and the attention you need to fix it. It's the same thing with being a parent."

Hargitay doesn't have to wait long to illustrate her point. It's a lazy summer afternoon at her place in New York's Hamptons, which is known as Happy House (that name is even printed on paper napkins and embroidered on the guest towels), and she is kicking back in the yard in a blue paisley dress. She's gorgeous without any makeup except for a bit of color on her mouth ("I can't live without lip gloss," she confesses), and barefoot, as she prefers to be — even when she's driving. "I'm a California girl," Hargitay says with a shrug.

Suddenly, here comes 4-year-old August, a rambunctious charmer who runs toward his mother. There's a look of mild panic on his face, eyes partly cloudy with a chance of tears.

"Momma, my skin is falling off!" he says, pointing to a flaky patch on his lightly tanned shoulder.

"Do you know what, August?" Hargitay replies calmly. "That's called 'peeling.' It happens when you've been in the sun. Do you remember last summer? Daddy's whole back peeled off."

"Did it hurt?" he asks, relieved yet still curious.

"Not a bit, my angel," she answers

Growing Up the Hard Way

Hargitay's childhood wasn't quite as idyllic as August's. She was born into celebrity, the daughter of two pop-culture icons — '50s sex symbol Jayne Mansfield and bodybuilder-actor Miklós "Mickey" Hargitay. The couple divorced around the time their daughter was born, and Mansfield — an underappreciated actress who spoke several languages and played classical violin — died in a tragic car crash in 1967, when Mariska was younger than her own son is now.

Hargitay's father had remarried before Mansfield's accident. Hargitay says her stepmom, Ellen, is a loving and fearless woman. "She'd be the one to grab a frying pan when there was an intruder in the house while my dad and I hid under our beds." Growing up with two older brothers, Hargitay became a tomboy and a jock without abandoning her girly side. "You should've seen my big hair in the '80s," she laughs. "That was a real project."

In her finding-out-who-she-was late teens and early 20s, Hargitay acutely felt the pain of not really having known her world-famous mother. Everyone she met, however, had an opinion about Jayne Mansfield, and as an aspiring actress, Hargitay faced more scrutiny than most Hollywood kids. Casting agents suggested nose jobs and name changes, and Hargitay had to learn to persevere with faith and determination. She followed the example of her father, who emigrated from Hungary and became Mr. Universe in 1955. "He was truly an original man who dared to live the American dream and instilled in his children the idea that if he could do it, we could, too," Hargitay says.

Miklós Hargitay died of cancer in 2006, shortly after his daughter gave birth to August and won an Emmy for her work on SVU. "I am grateful he had a chance to look into his grandson's eyes and pass along his love and strength," she said of that bittersweet moment.

Her father had been her rock, always encouraging her passions. "The message I got from my father was that life is hard, but you just don't quit," Hargitay says. "I am grateful that I didn't let fear get the best of me. It only holds you back from possibilities and greatness. You've got to kick fear to the side, because the payoff is huge."

Hargitay is living proof. As a younger woman, she experienced anxiety — one of her biggest fears was that she might not live longer than her mother, who died at 34 — and struggled with low self-esteem, hampered by fear. Now the life of the party who loves to play hostess, Hargitay says she once blew off other people's get-togethers: "I thought, What's the point? They won't even notice that I'm not there." Today she celebrates every moment she can: "I realize that you have to show up for your life."

Until her mid-30s, financial success eluded the woman who is now one of the highest-paid actresses on a network drama. Hargitay's income from short-lived series and guest roles in sitcoms was so unreliable that she racked up six-figure debts. "I had a house and car I didn't want to lose," she admits, "and I had a lot of credit card debt." For a while she had a boyfriend who paid her bills. "When we broke up, he said I owed him 60 grand," Hargitay says, cracking up. "I'm a payer-backer. So as soon as I could, I paid him off." When you're an actor, money comes and goes, she adds, "but now I have learned to hang on to it. I have a nest egg, and I don't buy above my means." It's a practical approach that would work for anyone.

Changing Her Luck

At 35, Hargitay landed the part of flinty, lionhearted detective Olivia Benson on SVU. Her old friends in Hollywood were amazed — and amused. "They said, 'I don't know how you got this,'" Hagitay says. "I was a total chicken." There was no guarantee the show would become the success it is today, but seeing it as a great opportunity, Hargitay took the role and moved cross-country to New York.

The series made Hargitay a beloved TV star and, in 2001, brought her together with Hermann, who plays a recurring character on the show, Trevor Langan — or, as Hargitay puts it, "a dirtbag defense attorney."

This role of a lifetime also gave her a life mission. Shaken by the content of her show's scripts and the brutal statistics she learned, and moved by countless letters from women who watched the show and wrote to her disclosing that they had been raped, Hargitay became politicized. In 2004, the actress founded the Joyful Heart Foundation (joyfulheartfoundation.org), which helps survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse through retreats, education, and advocacy. These days, in addition to acting and wife-and-mothering, the foundation is her passion.

Playing Olivia Benson, she says, "fulfills me as an artist and rewards me even more as a human being. It is powerful and life-affirming to extend my hand and my heart to those who are in need." Becoming a mom only deepened those feelings: "You realize when you become a mom that everyone you look at is somebody's kid. Caring for August makes me even more committed to helping others."

As if on cue, August reappears, wearing board shorts and a surfer-style rash-guard shirt. "Momma, watch," he says, scampering toward the backyard pool (one of his favorite spots, where he and his mom often play a game they call Shark). He jumps in and paddles his way to the center. Without a trace of a reprimand, Hargitay channels the no-nonsense voice she uses on TV: "OK, that's far enough. Swim to the side now: Five, four, three, two ..." She pulls him from the water into her warm embrace and sends him to the house to get changed.

"In the beginning, all that authority was a stretch for me to act," Hargitay says. "Playing this part has developed in me a kind of muscle and a commanding voice that are quite useful as a person and a mom."

Mariska the Missus

Today, in her backyard with friends and family — "we love to pile houseguests in" — Hargitay has little more to worry about than pulling lunch together. "I set a mean table," she says, pointing to a festive dining area underneath the canopy of a cherry tree. Hermann, who was born in Germany, tells August to take his place at the table — in German. "We want him to be multilingual," says Hargitay, who speaks Hungarian, Italian, and French. "Peter speaks to him in German. God knows I can't do it."

"Everyone, please hold hands," August directs as his father, then his mother, says grace. They give thanks for the food, their health, the beautiful day, and the company of friends. They ask for guidance and to grow closer to God.

Though Hargitay and Hermann met at work, their first real date was at his church. "It was pretty sacred and profound in our life," Hargitay says. "It completely set the tone for our relationship and our marriage."

Though she was raised Catholic and has a very strong faith, Hargitay calls herself a Christian who doesn't go to church every Sunday. "Religion has caused wars and also a lot of pain, and I don't think that's what God intended," she says with quiet conviction. "I find faith to be a more private thing. For me, it's about my personal relationship with God. I think God has a plan, and a big one. I try to live in gratitude and awe and to get to know Him better and pray that He helps guide me in the decisions I make."

She believes in signs. And on that day, in that church, an inner voice told her that she had not gotten married yet because she had been waiting for Hermann. "I had been engaged before, but what I felt for Peter I had never felt before — it was knowing that someone else put you first and that you put him first. A lot of people have doubts on their wedding day, but I was never so sure and happy. We were going into the unknown together and were taking care of each other the way you're supposed to when you are married."

Wed for six years now, Hargitay describes her marriage as the perfect balance of opposites: "I bring him out, he brings me in; he slows me down, I make him go faster." She and Hermann are "really different," she says. "Sometimes we want to do really different things, and that is hard to navigate. We have to sit down and figure out how to carve this time out for you and this for me, because we need both. That's just the way we are, so let's just make peace with it."

Hargitay says many actors have given her the same wise marriage advice: Never be away from each other for more than two weeks, or you'll start leading separate lives. "I don't always know what he's thinking, but we want the same things. We trust that the other person wants what we want and shares the same values. That's our gift. Even if we don't talk all day, we are connected."

They grab all the time together — and with August — that they possibly can. On weekends, there is no sleeping in, she says, and her husband whips up "a whole big breakfast extravaganza with pancakes, bacon and eggs, oatmeal, and apples."

When they have time without their son, they read together or catch a movie. "I don't have a normal job where you can have date night. We just had a 'two-weeks-in-Paris-with-August' date, which is better than any date night," she says, grinning.

Asked about the key to her marriage, she reveals that the toughest moments have often ended up being the greatest: "We've said really honest things to each other — about how we feel and what we want — and I've thought for sure we were going to break up. And then we laugh, we can make a joke about what we talk about, and it becomes a part of the repertoire of the relationship. It's not this secret you carry anymore. We have it out in the open. It dissipates any bad feelings, because you know the person heard you and it registered."

The Mommy Diaries

Hargitay dotes on the guests at this impromptu Happy House party, but August gets special attention. When it comes to getting her kid to eat vegetables, Hargitay is downright wily.

"August," she announces, "you and I are going to have a race to see who can finish their asparagus first." (Naturally, she lets him win.)

Becoming a mom has brought Hargitay to a new way of thinking about her own mother, who had five kids. "It's not a source of pain or angst anymore," she says. "I understand her in a new way that gives me peace. Being a mom has been healing. Now I understand the love she had in her, and it makes me feel closer to her."

As her guests enjoy dessert — rhubarb tarts, ice cream, and Hargitay's homemade cupcakes — `the hostess says, "August has great manners, and I am very proud of that. We are on him like white on rice about looking into someone's eyes if you are saying 'please' and 'thank you' or apologizing. Or when you are meeting someone. You know how some kids say 'Nice to meet you' and they're looking down? I hate that."

Hargitay sticks out her arm to shake hands. Her grip is firm. "You've got to teach them young. I don't want any fishy handshakes," she says.

When it comes to discipline, she and Hermann don't play good cop — bad cop: "The one rule that we follow is: Always stick up for the other parent no matter what. And if you disagree, you talk it over in private, not in front of your child."

But other than stepping away to negotiate parenting ground rules with Hermann, Hargitay likes to spend as much time with August as possible. The two are inseparable when she's at home. "Bath time is such fun. I get in trouble with Peter because I'll stay in the bathroom with August for hours just laughing." Often she'll put August to bed and get caught up in reading Eric Carle or Maurice Sendak books: "It's a special bonding time, and lots of interesting things come out when he is downloading the events of the day." Together, mother and son tend to lose track of time.

"Peter will come in an hour and a half later," she explains, "and August and I will be wrestling on the bed, and Peter will be like, 'Bedtime!'"

Hargitay is quick to acknowledge that as a parent, the hours she works are a challenge. Some days, she goes to work before August gets up and doesn't get home until he's in bed, though she video-chats with him from the set. "When you love your kid, there's a string that attaches you, and you are always connected even when you are doing other things," she says.

Technology also allows her to stay close to her circle of creative working-mom friends, which includes Maria Bello and Debra Messing. Hargitay initiated a "Happy Monday" e-mail in which they send one another the latest cute photos of their kids.

"I get jealous that other people get to take August to school and pick him up," she says. "It's hard for me to go to his school and not know all the parents. They all know one another, and it's a community. I can't always be a part of that. You can't have everything, though."

Becoming a mother at 42, she believes, was blessing enough. "When I think about having a bigger family, sometimes I am so in love with August that I can't imagine anything else, and it's so perfect, our little triangle here. But then you think, Oh, I want to have another kid." Would she consider adopting? It's not out of the question, she says.

Finding Her Joy

When she first took the role of Olivia Benson in 1999, Hargitay was stunned by the crime statistics: One in four women will become a victim of domestic violence. One in three women will be physically or sexually abused in her lifetime. Every two minutes in the United States, someone is sexually assaulted.

"It is an epidemic," Hargitay declares. "If somebody has a black eye or bruises, people think, Oh, it's none of my business. Yes, it is your business, if you are keeping somebody alive. We're all connected. Helping another woman is helping yourself, your mother, your sister, your children. It's important that the shame be lifted so that people can heal and don't let a life event define who they are."

SVU helped create awareness about these issues, and her character struck a chord with female viewers. Her fan letters were unlike any others she'd ever gotten: Your show changed my life, they would say. I've never told anyone this, but I was raped, and I've been carrying this around.

Hargitay underwent training to become a rape-crisis counselor. But listening wasn't enough; she wanted to shed light on these crimes and give survivors hope that they could rebuild their shattered lives. Though she knew nothing about starting a nonprofit, she nonetheless funded it herself. She and Hermann scheduled their honeymoon in Hawaii so Hargitay could attend Joyful Heart's first healing retreat, which was held there.

In addition to working directly with survivors, Hargitay and Joyful Heart are helping to shape public policy. Last May, she testified before a House judiciary subcommittee in hearings about the unthinkable backlog of hundreds of thousands of rape kits (in which crime-scene DNA samples are matched against potential suspects) that are languishing, still untested, on shelves nationwide.

These are unsettling topics, but Hargitay does not shrink from talking about them. Her greatest satisfaction is seeing the difference her foundation makes with clients. "There was a woman who came on a retreat — tough, very guarded — and after the week was over, she was almost unrecognizable," she recalls. "There was softness in her face. You see people get hope and spirit back. You see them change right in front of you."

Making Peace with Midlife

At 46, Hargitay has noticed some changes in herself. "I've got no problems with my age. I rejoice in the knowledge I have accrued and savor the great moments, because I know how fast it goes," she says. "Am I slowing down a bit? Yeah. When I work out, I'm like, Whoa, the machinery isn't running like it used to."

She is not nearly ready to stop. "August and Peter, my family, being a wife and mother, is my life, and that gives me the most joy. Joyful Heart is my mission and the thing that I feel the clearest about. But I'm not ready to quit acting yet."

Hargitay's highly publicized 2009 contract negotiations with NBC over returning to SVU were less about money and more about getting home earlier and having periodic three-day weekends to recuperate from the show, which is physically and emotionally draining. (The naturally athletic actress only recently came to the conclusion that she didn't have to do her own stunts; that was after a bad landing led to a collapsed lung and three trips to the hospital.)

"Now I put my health and family first," she explains. To that end, she swears by her Breville juicer and a daily concoction that sounds as tasty as drinking a lawn: kale, spinach, cucumber, celery, ginger, lemon, and a green apple. She keeps the fridge stocked with unsweetened vanilla almond milk and frozen fruit to make smoothies. She will not, however, forgo chocolate, especially the Fran's Chocolates that were created to raise funds for Joyful Heart.

"Would I like to be the same size as when I got married?" says the former size 4 or 6, who is now a size 8. "Sure, but I had a child, and your body changes. Being thin is not more important than enjoying life."

This isn't a woman who has time to count calories. "My day is always scheduled to within an inch of its life," she says. As overwhelming as it may feel, Hargitay practices acceptance. "I don't focus on what I can't control," she says. "If I can't control it, let's move on. I think that we have all been swallowed up in 'shoulda-woulda-coulda.' You figure it out and you walk tall and go through it. Some days it's chicken, and some days it's feathers."

And some days, she admits, all it takes for a mini-meltdown is toys covering the floor when people are coming over and she has to cook. "I am a perfectionist meshed with someone who gets anxious — and that is not a good combination," she confesses. "If I have a lot to do, I can't handle a messy house. But if the house is clean, I can sit down and figure it all out."

Recently she discovered another tactic for handling superhectic times: "If you have a glass of nonalcoholic wine in a beautiful glass, take a minute, and regroup, you're good to go."

Hargitay also swears by the stress-busting powers of a long bath. "No one can get to me when I'm soaking in the tub," she says, leading the way into her bathroom. It's a beautiful, relaxing space, but what is that in the middle of the tub?

"That's my bra drying out," Hargitay says, like it's no biggie. "Listen, I have a kid who sometimes thinks it's a good idea for us to jump in the pool with all our clothes on. Who am I to disagree with that?"

Stay-Safe Wisdom

Mariska Hargitay cares deeply about personal safety — and so does GH. Here are smart tips from the National Crime Prevention Council (ncpc.org) to help you avoid becoming a victim.

To Prevent an Attack

    •    If you're alone, be sure to walk in busy, well-lit areas. If you know an area is sketchy, avoid it, period.

    •    If a stranger stops to ask you a question, be sure to stand an arm's length away as you respond. You'll have a better chance of escaping if you're attacked.

    •    Avoid scrolling through your smartphone, talking on your cell, or playing with your iPod while walking. You'll look distracted, which makes you an easier target.

    •    If you're walking at night, never wear headphones. During the day, if you must wear them, keep one earbud out and the volume low so that you can always hear what's going on around you.

    •    Avoid dark stairwells. And if you're in the elevator alone, close the doors as soon as possible so you are less likely to get stuck inside with an attacker.

    •    If you feel threatened when you're in a bar or restaurant, don't just sit there; tell the staff. Make it look like you're talking about the menu. You can also send a text-message or call 911.

If You Are Attacked

    •    Yell "FIRE!" rather than screaming or yelling "HELP!" It's hard to interpret screams, and the word "fire" draws more attention than "help."

    •    Use whatever you can as a weapon: your purse, your keys, your nails. Carry a travel-size container of hairspray in your purse; you can use it to blur your attacker's vision.

    •    Kick your attacker in the groin, or scratch his eyes to help you escape.

    •    If your attacker wants your purse, give it to him.

    •    Take a mental photo of your attacker; note tattoos, height, weight, clothing.

    •    Call 911 ASAP after the attack. Then, write down everything that happened — in your phone, or on paper. Another option: Text a report to law enforcement. Check with your local police and preprogram the number to text into your phone.