“Hope you're well. I'm having some anxiety this morning so I thought I'd reach out to a friend. No specific questions, just looking for some support I guess.”

I got this email from a young man that reached out looking for support in his healing from severe abuse by his biological father. He was in that place of aloneness and feeling anxious without being able to identify the exact cause. And yet he was able say he was in pain and ask for someone to acknowledge it. Just knowing that others are willing to sit with you and hold that space can make all the difference in the world. This is for you A.H.

My solution to anxiety was to numb it with alcohol and drugs. It worked, but it did not change one thing, and four hours later I was right back where I started. The anxiety for me was my body telling me I was trying to carry too much. And carry I did, for 40 years! 

My friend, each step you are taking right now is helping untangle the tentacles of his evil actions from your being. If you stay the course, over time you will feel less and less the way you do today. Check out this short Zen story on carrying the weight of others. 

Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn’t step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants who could not help her because they were holding her packages. 

The younger monk noticed the woman and walked on by. The older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, carried her across the water, and set her down on the other side. She didn’t thank the monk, she just shoved him out of the way and departed. 

As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied. After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. “That woman back there was very selfish and rude, but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then she didn’t even thank you!”

“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk replied. “Why are you still carrying her?”*

It was only a couple of years ago I finally set down the man that abused me. It happened when I felt strong enough to be in a room with him (in a dream) without feeling his power over me. It was the power differential that kept me feeling weak and like a victim. I had to believe I was strong enough to not be intimidated anymore and that was after years of therapy and work. It took me using my adult skills to go back and deal with him as I am now and not as I was when the abuse occurred (a child). 

For me, carrying the weight of the man that abused me kept a lid on my recovery. The reason being that we cannot change something that belongs to others, we can only change ourselves. So a key piece to a successful recovery is identifying what is yours and what belongs to the person that abused you and then set down that which belongs to him or her. What you have left are all things you can manage. 

You are not alone A.H. We are but two of the 18 million men who have felt this way at one time and you honor other survivors by asking for support. Find strength in knowing others have walked this path and found ways to deal with our past and not only overcome the pain, but been strengthened by living through it.

May it be so for you too. 

Randy Ellison

*Quoted from Zen Shorts by Jon J Muth

 - By Randy Ellison

Speaker, writer and author of the book Boys Don’t Tell: Ending the Silence of Abuse, Randy Ellison is a child-sexual-abuse, victim’s advocate and an activist promoting cultural change working with local, state and national organizations. Randy also works as a consultant for nonprofits dealing with awareness and prevention of intimate violence. He addresses abuse prevention and healing for survivors from a survivor’s perspective. Randy is a member of the Oregon Attorney General’s Sexual Assault Task Force. He maintains his own website at www.boysdonttell.com.

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