Heal the Healers Profile: John Prendergast

PH: Was there a moment when you said I've absolutely got to take care of this, or was it more gradual?

JP: I had a fairly substantial turning point. A series of tragedies had befallen people very close to me, a series of deaths, this incredible coincidence of concentrated mortality right around me in this one very short period of time. Then there was a tragedy in my own life, and all of this came together to create this tipping point, this moment—literally a moment—where I saw that I could choose, where I suddenly had a flash of conscious choice between building another wall around my heart against the pain of further loss, or letting it all sort of collapse inward. Like in football, letting the pocket collapse, letting the quarterback get sacked and letting the next play unfold instead of trying to move forward with the broken one.

I decided let the thing come down. Then came the most remarkable period of my life—without even remote comparison—because for probably two or three months in the aftermath of that decision, I had to carry around Kleenex because my tear ducts began leaking. It wasn't weeping, it wasn't sobbing, it was just this little dripping that would occur and I would constantly have to wipe my eyes.

I was on a journey with a very hard introspective process, and I had no memory of a lot of things, so I had to go back and interview people from my past and rebuild a sort of emotional history. I had to find out who I was, in the real sense as opposed to the constructed sense. And all the while, the toxins inside me were leaking out as the internal walls collapsed.

At the end of it, it wasn't like I can remember on a Tuesday I woke up and it was all over. But at some point, I thought, "Where did the ball and chain go? Where did the pit in my stomach go?" It was quite a dramatic turn, and I've not had a day since then where there that darkness returned. I try to stay in this heart-care mode. I try to stay in my faith and in the spirit of giving and generosity. All of it was a miracle, and I was lucky to be a part of it.

PH: What does that heart-care mode look day to day?

JP: There are faith and secular pieces to it. I definitely pray more. In Paul's letters to the Philippians in the New Testament, he says something about prayer that really speaks to me: "Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving make your request known to God. Then the peace of God surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." The way he constructed it is so interesting: if I do, in fact, turn my cares over in some way to God, all in the context of thanksgiving-which is a strange juxtaposition, thanking God at the same time as you're asking him for support-then an understanding that the plan, whatever the plan, will come, will unfold, will work its way through. That creates peace and a heart guarded against anxiety. That's an amazing concept to me.

Another aspect would certainly be the occasional revisiting of the highly paid professional friend for counseling. And certainly still going back into the past about certain things, while also dealing with present day issues. Also, just to reiterate, having friends who understand you and what you stand for and, whom you admire and with whom you can share yourself, that solidarity is extremely important.

PH: What is your most significant accomplishment? What are you most proud of?

JP: There are two aspects of my work over the last thirty years. One is the insider peacemaker; another side is the outsider peace advocate and human rights advocate.

The insider moment was being part of a very small team that for two years negotiated a peace agreement between Ethiopia and Eritrea in what at the time—998 to 2000—was the deadliest war in the world. Everyone said it was impossible, but we did it, a small U.S. government team when I was working for President Clinton. And the day that we got the signatures on the piece of paper, the guns fell silent and they haven't been fired since then.