1in6 Thursday: Happy Holidays

A lot of us look forward to the coming holidays. It is a time to be with family and loved ones, share meals, catch up on what others are doing and reminiscing past times together. Some of the salads and side dishes are a bit over the top, but the turkey and pies are awesome. Some love the stuffing and cranberries, not me. I’ve even seen some take bites of them together—ugh. We get over-stuffed, some drink too much and stay up too late, and some tell the same stories they tell at every gathering. All in all, it is a good time for two days or so and by the grace of God we forget the irritating parts before we gather again next year.

This is not how the holidays work for everyone. Some of us cannot forget things that happened in the past, nor should we. If you are a survivor of child sex abuse, seeing family may be difficult at best, and impossible at worst. If you are one of the thousands suffering from PTSD from your abuse, just coming out of your house on a holiday may not be an option.

As survivors, many things often show up at holidays that can trigger us. So here is the simple message I want to share. Be careful and take care of yourself. Try to keep an ally—a friend or partner—who understands and will support you close at all times.

If you are not comfortable dealing with some people you know will be present, it’s really okay to just say, “I’m not coming.” If you get there and you do not feel safe, then leave. So often we fall back into the “I’m not good enough” shame mode and have a tendency to just accept comments or actions that revictimized us. As survivors it seems that denial, or dissociation can work well for us, but it may also be a place we like to think we have grown out of. 

Still, you might ask yourself, “is acknowledging the holidays really worth it?" This is a feeling many survivors struggle with. My answer is yes. It is worth it because it honors you and your truth. It is your voice that rings up to heavens. The universe is in tune to your cries. If we learn to love and take care of ourselves we will find comfort in our own skin. Living your story not only changes you, it changes those around you.

So this holiday season I hope you and I find places to go and people to be with that love and support who we are and the journey we are on. Go in peace.

- By Randy Ellison

Speaker, writer and author of the book Boys Don’t Tell: Ending the Silence of Abuse, Randy Ellison is a child sexual abuse victim’s advocate and an activist promoting cultural change working with local, state and national organizations. He addresses abuse prevention and healing for survivors from a survivor’s perspective. Randy is a member of the Oregon Attorney General’s Sexual Assault Task Force. He is a founding member and former board president of OAASIS, Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service.

Randy recently received the Diane Sandler Award for his work in education, awareness and prevention of sexual violence in Southern Oregon.

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.

1in6s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.

Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.org.

 The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.

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