For several days, one sentence has continued to trouble me: "I'll never forgive you." Those words were spoken by the man identified only as Victim 4 at the Jerry Sandusky sentencing on October 9, 2012. His words say several things to me.

The most obvious is that he expresses the pain that comes from betrayal. At the trial itself, Victim 4 and other survivors referred to the gifts and personal attentiveness from Sandusky, who became their role model. Then came the molestation. Until it began, Sandusky may have probably been the most trusted man in their lives. His wooing them through seductive actions and evil motives caused an unrelenting pain that still remains.

Perhaps the words are also an unconscious cry to the perpetrator to admit what he did. If I faced my perpetrator and shouted those words, it would signify a plea: "Please tell me you're sorry for how deeply you wounded me. Help me understand why you hurt me." When the victimizer is someone we admire and love, the hurt becomes far more intense.

The words also speak of despair. What Victim 4 lost as a boy, his innocence, won't ever be restored, even if his perpetrator confesses. As a survivor of sexual molestation, I know how abuse affects us for life. We can be emotionally shattered and unable to trust others. We can be suspicious of the motives when someone treats us kindly. We can push away many good people because one bad person took advantage of our naivete and youth.

Possibly the words are also a threat. It's as if to say, "You want absolution for your wrongdoing but you'll never, never get it from me." They seem like words to withhold forgiveness and that will punish the guilty. The words mean we carry the pain and refuse to offer compassion for the wrongdoer. I call myself a serious Christian, and many of my peers would jump on Victim 4's words and insist, "You must forgive him." But if I could speak to Victim 4, I'd say, "Feel your pain. You don't have to release it until you're ready. As you move forward in your own healing, perhaps the day will come when you'll shed your anger and freely offer your forgiveness, even if you never tell him."

"Number 4, grieve as long as you need to. There's no need to push yourself toward letting go. If and when you're ready, you won't need prodding."

-By Cecil Murphey

Cecil Murphey is the author of When a Man You Love Was Abused. His follow-up book, Not Quite Healed will be released in February 2013. He is also the author or co-author of more than 100 books including The New York Times' best-seller 90 Minutes in Heaven.

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives. 1in6's mission also includes serving family members, friends and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.

Joyful Heart  and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative here.

The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.