The following post is the second in a mini-series by Aaron Kesseler about his journey through healing as a survivor of child sexual abuse.. You can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

...In the weeks following that counseling session, I began to have new and vivid dreams. I have always dreamed vividly and frequently, usually enjoying the pleasant vacations from reality they would bring. But these dreams were different, they were about Chris and they were violent. Each dream that involved him no longer involved me reliving the shameful events of the past, but rather they were scenarios that ended with me murdering and sometimes even mutilating Chris in different ways.

As I pondered and prayed about these dreams throughout the day I didn’t know what to do with them. On one hand they were just dreams, on the other…they frightened me. Since the dreams began I found it harder and harder to simply say, "I forgive him." I didn’t want to forgive him; I wanted revenge. I wanted him to pay for what he did to me, for stealing my innocence and causing me to have to go through this painful season in my life.

Through counseling, I learned that having these feelings was a natural and important part of the healing process. Like many unpleasant feelings, the feelings themselves are not wrong. Rather, it is how we respond to those feelings that determine our future. I took it one day at a time. As the feelings of revenge inside me would rise I would not shame myself for them, instead I would first accept them as a natural response. Once I accepted them I would then choose to forgive him. I have learned that forgiveness, like love, is more than just a feeling; it’s a choice. I had to choose to forgive him every day, sometimes many times per day for a long time before the feelings ever came. Eventually, the feelings of forgiveness did come and with them came peace.

Unforgiveness is like drinking a glass of poison and hoping that the other person will die. The only person you hurt when you choose not forgive is yourself.

Aaron Kesseler was born in 1986, married the love of his life in 2010 and is currently working for his step-father’s commercial heating business in Seattle, WA. After high school he attended Northwest University in Kirkland for two years. Aaron has volunteered as a camp counselor for five years with the Muscular Dystrophy Association Summer Camp as well as three years with Royal Family Kids Camp, a summer camp for the most abused and neglected children in the area.

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.

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