I don’t know how he got my telephone number and he never told me his name. As soon as I identified myself, he blurted: “Why should a man tell anyone about his abuse?”

“He doesn’t need to tell anyone. He can keep it a secret until he dies,” I said.

“But talking is just talking—just mere words.”

Certain he was referring to himself, I asked, “Have you ever told anyone?”

After a long silence, he mumbled, “No.”

“Suppose I had a tumor inside my body,” I said. “I could live with that a long time as it slowly grew. But I’d be aware and have some discomfort or even a lot of pain. And suppose the tumor wasn’t operable. Then what?”

He didn’t respond, so I continued. “You might use medication to shrink that tumor. It would likely take place over a period of time, but you could do it.”

“So you think that’s what talking does?”

“It worked for me,” I said, “and for many men who’ve talked with me.”

Before we hung up. I gave him one of my original maxims: I know of myself only what I say of myself. By that I meant, we have to speak the words of our pain to someone else for the healing to begin. “Survivors need other people,” I told him. “If you don’t want to start with a spouse or a good male friend, go to a professional. Once you can start talking about it, you become an instrument of your own healing. You enlist others. Each time you’re able to talk about it—”

“The more effective it is, right?”

I tried to explain that we’ve been created to connect with other humans. And with a basic need to be understood by others. I’m convinced that as I enable others to understand me, I also learn to understand myself.

 - By Cecil Murphey

Cecil Murphey is the author of When a Man You Love Was Abused. His follow-up book, Not Quite Healed will be released in February 2013. He is also the author or co-author of more than 100 books including The New York Times’ best-seller 90 Minutes in Heaven.

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.

1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.

JHF and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative here.

The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.