Reunion Online

In conversation with my friend Beth, I mentioned that even though I knew the molestation in childhood wasn't my fault, I still felt shame and guilt over my abuse as if I had failed in some way. "I keep thinking that only if I—"

"You shouldn't feel that way," Beth said.

Before I could respond, she listed my achievements (as if I didn't know them) and told me how much she admired me for the way I had dealt with my painful childhood.

"But still—"

"You don't deserve to feel that way."

One day last summer I was working in my front garden--part of my notion of having vegetable garden domination on my little plot of earth. I was tending the rows of tomatoes, basil, beets and kale, when an older woman, dressed in black, stopped and started to chastise me about my weeding technique.

I didn’t really understand her, as her English was not so good and my Italian is -- ahem -- non-existent. Still, she showed me, good naturedly, the proper technique of tilling the earth.

Just over a month ago the question of how a friend or family member can best support a man who had been sexually abused was the subject of a post by Peter Pollard.  This started to get me thinking.

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Each year, during this time, survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their friends and family, and victim advocates from across the nation mark the occasion by speaking out about childhood sexual abuse and participating in candlelight vigils, walk-a-thons or fundraising drives. The issue of child sexual abuse, however, is one that needs to be confronted beyond this month.

I had the privilege recently of attending the national summit of a new initiative lead by Esta Soler and her team at Futures Without Violence and the Waitt Institute for Violence Prevention called The Y Factor: Men Leading By Example. The event saluted and encouraged activists and survivors who are committed to ending violence against women and children.

About three years ago, I made a gut-wrenching decision that would alter my life forever. At that time, I was in the middle of a breakdown of sorts. I wasn’t sure why I was in the middle of a breakdown—and for that I was confused—but since I couldn’t manage my anger and emotions,  I decided to quit my job in advertising, a job that many people would kill for.

The following post is the second in a mini-series by Aaron Kesseler. You can read his first post here and look out for more in the coming months for more about his journey through healing as a survivor of child sexual abuse.

Thanks to you and the other members of our community, today—Sexual Assault Awareness Month Day of Action—marks an important and revolutionary moment for the Joyful Heart Foundation. And because of your generosity and commitment, we've been able to help transform lives and create change in how communities and the criminal justice system respond to sexual violence.

When  1in6’s founding Board member, Dr. David Lisak, and I were talking with a group of students and staff at Brown University recently, someone asked for ideas about how to best  support a friend or family member who is coming to terms with unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood.

"Good" and "evil" always seem like handy labels, especially when describing those involved in incidents of child sexual abuse.

So depending on your point of view, I was either blessed or cursed by lessons I learned 25 years ago from Roger, a complicated man who upended any certainty I had that the distinctions between "good" and "evil" are actually so sharply defined.