Reunion Online

I don’t know how he got my telephone number and he never told me his name. As soon as I identified myself, he blurted: “Why should a man tell anyone about his abuse?”

I spoke recently with a group of college men whose fraternity had been sanctioned for sexually offensive attitudes and behavior. Our discussion was part of a mandated remedy. Not surprisingly, mandated conversations often don’t lead immediately to open dialogue.

Efforts to educate men about sexual violence generally cast them in one of two roles: bystanders, either preventing or supporting sexually aggressive behavior, speech or attitudes; or as perpetrators of violence.

Even a few years ago, who would have imagined that the opening plenary panel at the 2013 End Violence Against Women International (EVAWI) conference (last week in Baltimore) would focus on supporting men who have experienced unwanted or abusive childhood sexual interactions. It’s difficult to overstate the value of a shift in thinking that exposed nearly 1,200 conference participants—including advocates, investigators, prosecutors and clinicians—to the notion of engaging men as direct beneficiaries of efforts to end sexual violence. What a long way we’ve come!

This is probably the most complicated and least understood aspect of child sex abuse. 90 percent of all perpetrators are known to the victims, with 30 – 40 percent coming from the victim’s immediate family and only 10 percent strangers. The other 50 – 60 percent of perpetrators include older kids, babysitters, teachers, ministers, coaches and leaders in youth-serving programs. So to state the obvious, in most cases victims usually know their offenders and are related in some way before the abuse starts.

In today's 1in6 Thursday, Martha Marin urges colleges and universities to remember the silent male survivor during their Sexual Assault Awareness Month events this April 2013. She reminds us that making sure we have adequate resources is just as important as outreach. Martha and 1in6, Inc. offer hope and support to campus outreach programs across the nation.

What would it be like if we, collectively, really saw surviving abuse or assault without blame, stigma or shame? Unafraid to listen to someone's story and unafraid to say "NO MORE?"

Back in September, Aaron shared the first part of his story of hope on the Joyful Heart Blog. In it, he said, "Hope is essential to life, especially for those who are forced (or choose) to deal with painful experiences from our past," Taking inspiration and encouragement from his faith, Aaron made it through. Today, he continues with the second part of his story.

Our friends at the Verizon Foundation recently launched a new campaign called Your Voice Counts. The campaign is helping to break the silence around the issue of domestic violence by equipping bystanders?especially men?with tools to begin speaking up to prevent and end domestic violence.

For several days, one sentence has continued to trouble me: "I'll never forgive you." Those words were spoken by the man identified only as Victim 4 at the Jerry Sandusky sentencing on October 9, 2012. His words say several things to me.

Growing up in East Austin, there was little refuge for me from the gangs, drugs, and violence in my barrio, so when an opportunity arose for me to join the Boy Scouts as a teen, I jumped at the chance. I went from feeling trapped by the violence I was witnessing in my own home to the freedom of exploring the outdoors. Through the guidance of my Scoutmaster, I acquired camping and survival skills, but I also learned how to navigate through my adolescence using the Boy Scout Oath and Law as a compass.